I was sad to read of the death of my old friend Thor Heyerdahl. No one gives him much thought now, but in his day he was Quite The Thing. If he thought a set of chaps in one place had come from another place then he jolly well set out to prove it. He was not afraid to sail a papyrus raft from Easter Island to Egypt (or perhaps it was the other way round?) if that would aid him in his pursuit of the truth. It happened that some years ago I had a dispute with the Duke of Rutland over the boundary of our estates. I shall not bore you with the details here: suffice to say I was clearly in the right. Nevertheless, to prove my point at Law I had to demonstrate that my ancestors has settled the northern shores of Rutland Water. With Heyerdahl's help I was able to construct a vessel from Stilton rinds and recreate their voyage. There was a spring tide running and Ruttie was in playful mood, but we made landfall and the Duke settled out of court.
Whittington telephones me. After some pleasantries, he asks if I would be so kind as to write him a reference. You know the sort of thing: "In my experience this cat is capable of anything." - I do them for former Orphans all the time. I reply that I would, of course, be only too happy to oblige, but express some surprise that he is applying for jobs as I thought that the fame he gained during the London Mayoral election meant that he would never have to work again. Why, requests for endorsements of choice brands of sardine were arriving by every post! Soon he pours out his story - a sad tale of overindulgence, gambling debts and unpaid bills at the dairy. Now he has heard talk of a cat being employed at the Commons and intends to apply for the post in the hoping of putting his finances back on an even keel. Let us all wish him well.
In the evening I visit the Bonkers' Arms and fall into conversation with a fellow. "My wife comes from Shropshire," he tells me. "Much Wenlock?" I enquire. "I get my share," he replies.
Have you come across David Laws? Once Paddy Ashplant had decided to try his hand as Governor General of the Sanjak of Novi-Pazar, or wherever it is, there was a need for a new MP in Yeovil and it was upon Laws that the election fell. I am afraid, however, that he has somewhat blotted his copybook. The other day he was questioning the Deputy Governor of the Bank of England at a meeting of the Treasury Select Committee and had the temerity to suggest that the fellow had toned down his views on the dangers of inflation in the hope of getting the nod when Eddie George hangs up his striped trousers. Not surprisingly, things got rather frosty. Laws should remember that only those with the highest motives go into banking. The sort of fellow who is filled with ambition for power and riches would never choose it as a career. It was probably a toss up whether the Deputy Governor went to work for the Old Lady of Threadneedle Street or entered a monastery.
Isn't this new Interweb arrangement clever? Already I have had a letter from a Nigerian gentleman tipping me off about a way of making some easy money, which is welcome as my bet on the Revd Hughes as the next Archbishop of Canterbury is in danger because of some Welsh fellow with a beard coming up on the rails. Now, with help from the Department of Hard Sums at the University of Rutland at Belvoir, I have a site of my own. So warm up the valves, point your aeriel at Daventry and turn the dial to www.bonkers.hall.btinternet.co.uk and enjoy what has already been described by the High Leicestershire Radical as "a unique site". Make no mistake, gentlemen: these "computers" are here to stay.
As an experienced parliamentarian I am always on the look out for new talent amongst the younger Members. Richard Younger-Ross, for instance, has done much good work in alerting us to the dangers of ragwort - unlike Lembit Öpik's asteroids, it cannot be treated with a simple ointment. He should, however, thank his lucky stars that he lives in Devon and does not have to tangle with our own Rutland ragwort. Not only is it poisonous, it is an accomplished mimic and can outpace a badger across open country. I once tried to raise the matter in the House, but was unable to get through my own lodge gates because the plant had read of my plans in that morning' s edition of The Times and barricaded me in. For several days in was impossible to get any food delivered, and it was only when Meadowcroft's grandfather played his clarinet at it that the blessed weed relented and beat a hasty retreat to the arboretum.
Wimbledon will soon be upon us, with its attendant pleasures of Pimms, strawberries and cream, and the lovely Sue Barker on the electric television. One does, however, have to feel sorry for Tim Henman: he does try Terribly Hard, doesn't he? Taking pity, I offered him a "wild card" entry into the Rutland Open. All went well earlier in the week and he made a steady progress to the final, dropping a set only to Lord Beaumont of Whitley. Unfortunately he is unable to sustain this form into the final, and Miss Dora Bryan wins a disappointingly one-sided contest.
After the final I take them both down to the Bonkers' Arms. Bless me if I don't meet another bird with a wife from Shropshire. "Long Mynd?" I ask. "That's rather personal, isn't it?" he replies.
To Worcestershire and a well-known kennels in the shadow of the Malverns. Like most gentlemen, I remove my moustache for the summer months and send it to live in the country where it can benefit from the lush grass and clean air. Who should I meet on a similar errand this morning but our own John Thurso? He will be known to many as the grandson of John O'Groats, who led the Liberal Party during the dark days of World War II. I do not wish to belittle his contribution to Britain's victory, but many thought that it would have been helpful if had been photographed in the newspapers giving his apostrophe to Boy Scouts collecting for salvage.
On the way home I stop at a public house and I am pleased to find that it serves Smithson & Greaves' Northern Bitter. I am even more pleased to find that no one there has a wife who comes from Shropshire.
Lord Bonkers was Liberal MP for Rutland South-West 1906-10