Last week saw one of the greatest parliamentary occasions in living memory. It was also the week that Liberal Democrat News decided to do without with this column. Reports on the spring conference, guidance on winning the postal vote and a speech by somebody called Kennedy appeared instead.
So you missed 375 words capturing the scene for prosperity and explaining how we can maintain our opposition to war without appearing unpatriotic. There would also have been some inventive insulting of Clare Short and last Saturday's winning lottery numbers.
Reader’s voice: Why not print it this week?
House Points replies: No, no. Topicality is of the essence in this game.
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One of the problems with being a councillor (or a confirmed ex councillor like me) is that sometimes people recognise you but you don't recognise them. So I can't tell you who it was I met outside Sainsbury's in Market Harborough this afternoon. But he asked if I was still involved with the Liberals and then said how pleased he was that we had opposed war in Iraq.
We agreed that Tony Blair had flattered himself that he could influence the Americans but been left in a position where he could only trail after them. And we feared for the international order with so many institutions weakened
Meanwhile, though Phil Spector is currently banged up by Sheriff Knacker, the Wall of Sound is alive and well at Westminster. You here it every time Charles Kennedy gets up to speak. Rational argument is not the modern Conservative Party's strong suit, so sheer volume is probably their most promising tactic.
As far as they have a case against us, it is not that we are opposed the war but that we are opportunist. Given how keen our last leader was to see intervention in Kosovo, you can see how our current doubts might puzzle some observers.
It may be that our eagerness to be seen to 'support our troops' reinforces the impression of opportunism. It is not wholly clear what this means, but if you think a war is wrongheaded, surely it is in the troops' interest to continue to say so?
Just ask the man in the Market Harborough car park – whoever he is.
The Commons authorities are talking about installing a security screen to separate MPs from the public gallery. It would stretch from floor to ceiling and be 48 feet long, reports the Guardian The paper also says that leading parliamentarians are against the idea because “it would create a new barrier between them and the public”. It’s flashes of insight like that which get you to the top in politics.
And they are right. People have fond memories of Ken Livingstone’s GLC because they were free to wander the corridors of County Hall. There were always public meetings going on and I can even remember watching a grandmaster chess tournament there. We sat around the council chamber as experts analysed the games for us.
Westminster has traditionally shared some of that informal feel. True there are now metal detectors, but once through them it is possible to go about your business without being troubled by officialdom. Contrast this with the European Parliament in Brussels, where you have to hand your passport in at reception before you are allowed any further into the building.
Suddenly some of the policemen at Westminster are carrying submachine guns. No doubt there is more justification for this than for the tanks that turned up at Heathrow just before the Stop the War demonstration. Were we expecting the Iraqis to arrive and fight a tank battle on Hounslow Heath?
But it’s still tempting to go up to one of the armed cops and ask him the time. It would be a blow for informality.
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Tessa Jowell was absent from culture, media and sport questions on Monday. Just as well. You can imagine what she would have been like on London’s Olympic bid: “Be careful everyone, the javelins have very sharp points. I don’t think we should give out medals. The people who don’t win will be traumatised. And remember to dry thoroughly between your toes.”
Instead we had Richard Caborn. If hedging your bets ever becomes an Olympic sport, he will be one of our best medal chances.
John Bercow complained it is 67 years since we had a British men’s champion at Wimbledon and demanded that Caborn do something about it. Trivial fact of the week: Fred Perry’s father was Labour MP for Kettering.
Imagine walking across town on an autumn evening. Frost, the prickle of woodsmoke and a free firework display in every street.
Soon you may have to imagine it. Last Friday the Fireworks bill sponsored by Bill Tynan from Hamilton South got its second reading. Tynan is not, or so he kept saying, a killjoy, but there are many who do want to ban people from buying fireworks altogether and they were out in force.
Some of the arguments used were silly. Andrew Selous quoted a constituent from Leighton Buzzard as saying “some of the explosions round here remind us of the blitz,” which suggests the town had a cushy time in 1940.
Others were more persuasive. The Guide Dogs for the Blind Association mounted a formidable lobby, and the tone of the debate was summed up by Roger Gale: “About 30 per cent of the population of my constituency are over retirement age. Many of those elderly people are widowed, and many of them have pets.”
No politician is going to risk being against widowed labradors.
Was there a libertarian in the house? Andrew Robathan flared brightly, threatened to fly off in several directions and was eventually extinguished. (Never go back to a Tory MP, kids, even when you are sure he has gone out.)
Vince Cable made a deft speech. Without opposing the bill – he came to praise Tynan not bury him – he laid bare its weaknesses. What old ladies and labradors hate is the dangerous use of fireworks, and that is already punishable by a £5000 fine. We need enforcement of the existing law, not a new one.
Meanwhile Paul Tyler, Annette Brooke and John Barrett had all made speeches supporting the bill. Barrett was happy to agree that we need national legislation not a patchwork of local by-laws.
Ask us what we believe, and we will tell you the Liberal Democrats stand for liberty and local solutions. In practice things are less clear. We are often to be found on the side on the Tynans of this world (Bill not Kenneth, that is). Well-meaning, concerned for public safety but timid and a little bossy.
“Know thyself,” said the Oracle. Or, as another translation has it, are we libertarians or labradors?